Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
