Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
