i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
