I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
