carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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