Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
