I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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