If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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