I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
