Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
no you cant smoke seaweed
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
