I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
