i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
