i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
