i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
