Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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