GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
