I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
