I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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