I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
