what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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