I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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