if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
