doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
