Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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