Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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