It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
