I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
