what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
