Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
