Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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