Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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