Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
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I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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