True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
