Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
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Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
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Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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