It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
