New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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