maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
