I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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