The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
