all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
