Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
