dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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