____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
