I smell stomach acid.
People in love make me want to vomit
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
