Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
