i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
