last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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