I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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