I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
