we have officially lost it.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I love you. Go after that dick
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
