Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
