I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
