you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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