I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
