I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
