i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
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Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
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I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
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