You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
