I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Randomize
