you would pick up someone in the library
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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