I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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